WOMEN DON'T OWE YOU SHIT.
Chappell Roan DGAF what you think about her boundaries.
Hi! I’m Jen, I write queer books. Stacks & Spoons is where I talk about books, sapphic culture, disability, and more. Subscribe for free here.
I used to dream about fame. Growing up, I’d sing into my hairbrush to Britney Spears, pretending I was performing for a stadium of screaming fans. I’d tell people I was going to be an actress, I’d fantasize about red carpet premieres, and Hollywood parties, and rehearse what I’d say in my Oscars acceptance speech.
As I got older, my dreams changed as I changed. There was a time when I wanted to be an influencer with millions of followers, a mega-famous author, and a household name. But I don’t want people to know me like that anymore.
I want to write books that reach the people who need them, earn enough money that I don’t have to worry about money, and live a quiet life with my wife and our cats. I don’t want to be accessible 24/7 anymore.
“You flourish if you don’t protect yourself.”
Chappell Roan said this during an interview for the Q With Tom Power podcast. At first, I thought I misheard her. You flourish if you don’t protect yourself? But Tom repeated the words, and Chappell nodded like she was giving away a secret of the music industry that no one wants to speak about.
The rest of the conversation went like this:
T: “Like, if you don’t look after yourself, you can have a pretty big, amazing career. You’ve seen that kind of thing happen?”
C: “We’ve all seen that. We all see what happens if you don’t protect yourself and if you don’t prioritize your health or mental health. You do really good.”
T: “Yeah. You have big records and perform at the Grammys–”
C: “Yes. You’re massive on TikTok. You’re massive on socials.”
T: “So you’re trying to negotiate, ‘how do I achieve these goals I want to artistically and creatively and in terms of… however big you want to be, with making sure you’re all right.”
C: “It is at the end of it – at the end of the day, just a job. And I don’t plan on doing this forever. So I need to just have an identity outside of this and protect myself for when I’m, you know, 20 years from now, and I’m not just, like, burnt out on life.”
This is relatable no matter the industry. Those of us raised and socialized as women are trained to deny ourselves rest and care, then to wear our exhaustion as a badge of honour. We are meant to please, perform, and be palatable. We must sacrifice everything for our families and our careers, otherwise, we are simply not good enough.
I’m not gonna lie, I’ve felt this pressure in my career. Being an author means being your own PR, content creator, graphic designer, web developer, brand strategist, and more. I have neglected my mental and physical health trying to ‘grow my audience.’
I spent more time trying to get ‘massive on socials’ than writing. My numbers and engagement grew (not to massive levels), but so did the pressure to keep performing. Content never sleeps, as they say. Eventually, I felt like I was mining my personal life – my chronic pain, my mental illness, my outrage – for public consumption. Nothing gets better engagement than trauma porn.
But I hit a wall. I didn’t want to share my whole life with strangers on the internet anymore. I felt gross for sharing as much as I already had. So I set boundaries for myself. I’m more protective about what I post online these days. I keep social media for book updates, meme sharing, and anything I feel is very important to speak on. This newsletter is where I share my thoughts and personal stories now, but even here I have limits.
Is it great for engagement? Definitely not. Is it great for my health? You betcha.
Back to Chappell Roan; she has continued to protect herself, too. This week, she went to TikTok to call out entitled fans. She began by asking a series of questions:
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“If you saw a random woman on the street, would you yell at her from your car window? Would you harass her in public? Would you go up to a random lady and say, ‘Can I get a photo with you?’ and she’s like, ‘No, what the f*ck?’ and then you get mad at this random lady? Would you be offended if she says no to your time because she has her own time? Would you stalk her family? Would you follow her around? Would you try to dissect her life and bully her online? This is a lady you don’t know, and she doesn’t know you at all. Would you assume that she’s a good person, assume she’s a bad person? Would you assume everything you read online about her is true?”
Her point is: would you treat a random stranger this way? No. So you shouldn’t treat famous people this way, either. Because despite our parasocial relationships, we do not know them. They do not know us.
This isn’t the first time she has spoken about “creepy behaviour” from fans. Her family has been doxxed, including her sister’s workplace, and the stalking and harassment have already made Roan pull back online. During a show in Raliegh in June, she became visibly emotional as she spoke about the toll her sudden rise in fame was having on her mental health:
"I think my career is just kind of going really fast and it’s really hard to keep up. I’m just being honest . . . I’m having a hard time today."
Thankfully, most of the reactions to her TikTok posts have been supportive. But as usual, some are calling Roan ‘ungrateful,’ a ‘diva,’ and making memes about giving her fame to other female singers who ‘actually deserve it.’ And then there’s the old argument that famous people always get: ‘she knew what she signed up for.’
Something that many seem to be overlooking in all this, is Roan’s bipolar 2 diagnosis. She has been open about it online, specifically how she struggles to regulate her emotions. In a recent interview with Bowen Yang, he brought up her struggles with insomnia, and she referenced her past out-patient treatment. I can’t imagine how triggering it must be to go from being virtually unknown to being stalked over the length of one summer.
What this comes down to is consent. How many times do we have to see a female pop star harassed to the point of breakdown before we understand this? It’s all ‘no is a full sentence’ until our fave doesn’t want their photo taken and suddenly they are ungrateful divas who don’t deserve their success.
Chappell Roan does not owe anyone anything. Listening to her music does not entitle anyone to her time, energy, or body. Owning the album doesn’t mean you own the person.
WOMEN DON’T OWE YOU SHIT.
Yesterday, Chappell doubled down on Instagram, clarifying that her boundaries are non-negotiable.
I recommend reading through every slide. Chappell makes it clear that this isn’t about all fans, but the stans who take things too far. She asserts her right to have an identity outside of work. And she calls out the problematic way our culture has treated female pop stars since forever. But it’s the caption that really makes me pump my fist in the air.
THIS ISN’T A GROUP CONVERSATION.
I’M NOT AFRAID OF THE CONSEQUENCES FOR DEMANDING RESPECT.
*pause for applause*
Good for her. Good for any woman, queer, femme, ANYONE who has had to stand their ground in a scary situation and say “This is my line, and you will not cross it.” We need more of that energy in the world. I know I do.
The way she acknowledges that this is a societal issue and that every woman knows how she feels makes her message even more powerful. And finishing by addressing the haters with a version of, ‘Don’t like it? that’s a you problem’ is the red wine cherry on top.
Seeing women like Chappell set clear, firm boundaries and not back down when they are challenged is so fucking cool.
As someone who grew up watching Britney Spears get torn to shreds in the media every day, who didn’t learn that saying “no” to uncomfortable situations was an option until I was in my thirties, and who still struggles to prioritize my mental and physical health, I am cheering for Chappell so hard.
Previously, on Stacks & Spoons…
And now, for the Harry of the Week!
I quit the socials abiut six months ago because I felt burnt out, but also I started studying how to grow on social, like the real data, and I was like, 'this is way too much work' I don't want to have to make four reels a week plus stories, plus posts plus try to write, plus run my business. I also don't need random people knowing anything about me. It's weird now because I feel like because most of my younger friends share constantly online when I catch up with them, I have no idea what is going on in their lives because I'm not on social media. I also felt like I knew waaaaayyyy too much private information about their children. Children who can't consent to having that information shared.
As someone who has just begun sharing online, I needed to read this! I’ve been trying to find the balance/difference between authentic vulnerability vs turning my privacy and trauma into public consumption. I think I’ll gain a lot from these words, thank you for writing!